“My husband does not get along with my mother and I'm nervous about an impending vacation. Both my husband and my mother are used to getting their way without compromising and the last trip we took together they got into several arguments, even over something as simple as appetizers to order for the table. I haven't spoken with them in the past but I'm tempted to ask my husband to just please be the bigger person this time around. The truth is that my mother is genuinely unreasonable and it would be much easier to let her get her way for three days without any drama. But how do I start a conversation without making it seem like I'm taking my mother's side?”
It sounds like finding your voice and navigating this dynamic is challenging, but you’re already taking a great first step by thinking ahead. Managing relationships, especially between your spouse and a difficult parent, can be tricky, but clear communication and teamwork can make all the difference.
In a healthy marriage, it helps to think of you and your husband as being on the same team. Let him know that you’ve been reflecting on the upcoming trip and want to talk about ways to minimize the tension your mother tends to create. A good way to frame this is to acknowledge the challenge and invite his input: “I know my mom can be really difficult, and I want to make this trip as smooth as possible for both of us. Do you have any ideas about how we can approach things together?” This approach makes it clear that you’re not siding with your mother—you’re working with him to make the best of a tense situation.
Acknowledging the problem openly can go a long way. By validating your husband’s perspective and frustrations, you show that you’re aware of his feelings and on his side. At the same time, you may want to set realistic expectations: “It might be easiest to let her have her way for these few days, but I’d love to hear what you think would help.” This way, he feels heard and supported, while also understanding the potential strategy for avoiding conflict.
If you’re looking for tools to express yourself more effectively, consider exploring Nonviolent Communication by Marshall Rosenberg. This approach focuses on expressing feelings and needs in a way that fosters collaboration rather than conflict. Similarly, the concept of “triangulation” in family systems theory (popularized by Dr. Murray Bowen) may help you understand the dynamics at play and how to avoid being caught in the middle.
It may feel easier to let someone get their way, but finding your voice and expressing your feelings can strengthen both your relationship with your husband and your ability to manage family dynamics. By approaching this with honesty and teamwork, you’re setting the stage for a less stressful trip and deeper mutual understanding.
Reggie Manning, MSW
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This article also appeared in Unattached